


Nothing Left to Give the World

by icouldgonova



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), but mostly just angst, it's a lot less intense than these tags make it seem, selective mutism, simon is trying to navigate the world after everything goes down, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 23:03:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icouldgonova/pseuds/icouldgonova
Summary: Simon is struggling after the death of the Mage and the loss of his magic. He's also trying to navigate a new relationship with his long-time enemy. It can't always be smooth sailing.





	Nothing Left to Give the World

**Author's Note:**

> This story does highlight some things Simon is experiencing, like PTSD, and anxiety. They're not explicitly mentioned, but they are definitely alluded to.
> 
> I tried to stay within Simon's character, but the way he feels anxiety, especially about speaking, is modeled off of my own feelings; I've always loved how he struggled with talking and words, because it made him feel closer to me, so this is how I pictured him handling those struggles.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

I’ve always needed a self defense. When I was little and on my own and scared, while the big kids were beating me up for fun, it came in the form of silence. It was my shield. Nothing could get to me if I didn’t let it, and no one could have access to my thoughts. They were mine when nothing else was, and I wasn't going to give them up. After a while it felt wrong to talk, life was so much easier when my words stayed in my head; when they did come, they didn’t sound right. I stuttered and mumbled as if my whole body was telling me “NO!” when I opened my mouth to speak. Of course I see the irony surrounding the fact that the “greatest mage” can barely even utter a coherent sentence, but when I had my power it didn’t seem to matter. When I was needed, really really needed, I always saved the day. Until the day I saved the world but not the mage, and not my power, and not myself.

I noticed it the morning after Christmas. The feeling in my throat, chest, and stomach, all telling me to keep my words locked away safe. It hadn't been that bad since before Watford. Throughout school I had become slowly and slightly better at speaking freely and without thinking. All of that was gone that morning, and I had to fight to even say thank you. I did fight, as long and as hard as I could, so Penny and Baz wouldn’t see what was wrong, but I didn’t have much fight left in me. 

There were moments when I was with Baz when I thought everything would be ok. In small coffee shops laughing at jokes, or watching movies in each others’ arms. In those moments I felt he was entirely mine, and I was entirely happy. But most of the time I felt inside out. 

Right now, I feel that way. I haven’t answered his text. I should have an hour ago but I couldn't figure out what to say, so I didn't say anything, and now its too late. I know I’m crazy, but it seems like the less I talk to him, the less he’ll realize he doesn't love me. I’m so terrified of him forgetting every reason he ever wanted me. I don’t think I could stand his leaving.

He can’t leave. Too many people have already left me. He’ll be the one that breaks me.

I sit and I think about him. All the things I would say to him. All the thousand and one reasons that I fall in love with him every day. I pick up my phone to tell him. And I put it down again. 

I crawl a little farther inside myself. I’m waiting for him to find me there and bring me out, but I don’t think he realizes I’m hiding.

I fall asleep with his unanswered text staring at me dimly from across the room.

***

I wake up to his cold hands on my waist. He’s always cold, and usually it feels good, but today I just jump from the chill. My stomach jolts, it always does, when I see his face. Eight years of hatred and longing still have their hold on me. But I smile and I lean in to hug him, because right now, smiling at me surrounded by morning lights, he feels like home. 

“Good morning love,” he whispers, and I just hug him harder in response. He knows, by now, that I’m not very talkative in the morning, so he tells me about all his classes yesterday, how much homework he has, and how stupid his professors are, while I make breakfast. We eat together in silence. It feels right. Everything is beautiful for an hour or two, while he’s here and mine (so gloriously mine). 

When the leaves the knot in my stomach grows again. I go for a walk that turns into a jog that turns into a full on run until I can’t breathe anymore. I run and run until all my bad feelings are gone and it’s just Baz. My throat feels free and open again and I text him, smiling inside myself.

***

I know when I don't talk I’m being cruel. I know Baz doesn't deserve it, it’s not healthy, and it doesn't make sense. But today I woke up with thinking about the mage. I could smell the old lady down the hall smoking and it’s all I could do to change out of my pajamas. I lock my phone without even checking my texts, and turn on the tv (I hate what I’m doing but I think I might implode if I give the world any more of myself). 

I turn my phone on late in the evening, not because I want to but because I feel like the world is moving on without me, and I’m done letting it. The texts are there. I knew they would be. I smile and then I want to cry.

_I’m coming over later._ 12:02 PM

_Do you need anything?_ 1:45 PM

_Are you ok_ 2:38 PM

_Simon._ 2:53

_SNOW ANSWER ME_ 4:16

_I’m on my way._ 7:59

I stand up when he walks in the door. I can’t meet his eye. There’s something inside me that has locked so tight I can barely stand up. _I knew he wouldn’t stay with me if I distanced myself, but I did it anyway. I’m so stupid._ He stands there and he isn't beautiful, not handsome or lovely. He’s just sad and disappointed and confused. Every part of me wants to run away. I just stand.

“Snow. Why haven't you answered my texts?”His voice sounds soft but I can hear is hurt underneath it. It kills me completely. I don’t answer. “Look, if you don’t want _this_ anymore, just say. You don’t have to ignore me all the time.”

I shake my head but I can’t get the words out. 

“Snow, I’m your boyfriend. You have to talk to me. You’re supposed to tell me what’s wrong. I can’t do this when you won’t even answer my texts.”

Everything in my body and mind is so tight and I have to dig my nails into my arm hard until I can manage to breathe.

“You don’t understand.” I mutter

“You’re right, I don’t! So tell me. Unless you lost your voice just like your magic.”

That hurt. I forgot it was Baz. The boy I had fought with for years. Ruthless is his specialty. I’m crying and my arm is bleeding but I look him in the eyes for the first time and half-shout “I’M DOING MY BEST, BAZ. I’M TRYING!”

“Try _harder_!” He says back. I can’t take it anymore. I run out of the apartment into the street. The sun is bright and it hurts my head. There are too many people and all their voices are accusations so I keep running. I run and everything else is a blur.

This is the one time I don’t stand and fight. This is the one fight I can’t face losing.

***

It’s past midnight when I get back to the house. I go to bed but I don’t sleep.

My eyes are raw the next morning and my body hurts as I remember all that happened yesterday. I look at my phone, there’s one text from Baz: _I’m sorry._ I knew this would happen. He would never stay with me, not once he realized that all I am without my magic is a crumbling castle with too many motes. I miss him deep in my chest and it breaks everything that broke when the mage died all over again. And again. And again. I can’t do this. Not this time. I’m ready to give up.

I’m so deep in thought (Penny says I never think. She’s wrong) that I don’t hear the door open. I jump out of my chair when I feel the tap on my shoulder, and my first instinct is to call for my sword, which of course doesn’t work. So I look at my feet and wait for Baz to talk

“Look, Simon. I know you got my message…and it’s true. I _am_ sorry. I can’t tell you how much you mean to me, and I _can’t_ lose you. I thought I was losing you when you wouldn’t talk to me. But I know you couldn’t. I know and I’m sorry for not understanding, but I’ll try. I’ll try to help you if you try to talk to me ok? I love you Simon.” He looks right at me as he says this, I can feel his eyes on me. I force myself to look up and meet his eyes.

“I’m trying, Baz. I can’t lose you, I won’t let this take me away from you. Never in a million years, or another billion after that.”

His intensity melts away and he’s soft and vulnerable as he puts his arms around me and holds me like he’ll never let go. I hope he never will. And for the moment, all my locks are gone. It’s just me and I’m completely his.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally titled "I'm Trying, Baz" which is what it's posted as on my tumblr, but lets be real, that's a crappy title (I was young forgive me).
> 
> If you notice any typos, or have any thoughts, please let me know!!


End file.
